What’s Your Praise-to-Criticism Ratio with Your Children?

Sandwiches and Scripture don’t seem to mix.  However, the “sandwich” style of writing can be seen throughout the gospels as a regular an effective method of communication.  While many Christians may be aware of the “Markan Sandwiches” and may be even more familiar with the Apostle Paul’s “praise sandwich” of communication, we may not realize that we have an opportunity to adapt these structural ideas in our modern parenting priorities on how to best build our sons and daughters up in the process of guiding and correcting them.

Using Philippians as an example, Paul first praises and encourages the recipients (1:3-6).  This is considered the first piece of bread.  Then he shares the difficulties of his own status in advancing the Gospel, addresses the hardships of “living in Christ”, gives directions and corrections on living with purpose, and challenges the people to persevere in all circumstances (1:7 - chapter 3).  These points comprise the meat, lettuce, etc. of our sandwich.  Chapter four then closes with thanksgiving, praise, and encouragement.  Now we have the second piece of bread.  This model alone can be helpful to remind us that delivering constructive criticism is often best received when it begins and ends with praise.

Taking this idea a step further for parenting purposes, however, we can think of our communications with our children in terms of not just a “sandwich” but as a “Praise-to-Criticism Ratio”.  In 2013, the Harvard Business Review published a telling article about workplace productivity that essentially concluded the following three conclusions.  High performing teams praised each other between five and six times compared to every critical comment.  Medium performing teams praised two times for every critical comment.  Low performing teams praised only one time for every three critical comments.

While concerns have since arisen about the data collection on the research cited in this article, I wonder how we can all potentially benefit from employing a 6:1 ratio of positive to negative comments in our home.  So ask yourself, “Am I close to a 6:1 ratio of positive vs. critical comments, or is it more like 1:6!”

When giving praise, make sure to consider these additional elements of practicality to achieve the best result possible.

• Be specific: - Try to avoid vague or generic language and phrases that become meaningless from either blandness or overuse.  Instead of “Great job, Sarah!”, say, “I really appreciate the way that you cleaned up the breakfast dishes without being asked.”  Personalizing your comments to each child and within each moment makes their desire to repeat the behavior in the future more likely.

 

• Be timely: - Reinforce good attitudes, follow-through, and quality in your child’s actions or performance as close to the particular event as possible.  Taking time in the moment or shortly thereafter reinforces your pleasure with their growth while communicating to them that you are paying attention.  Making such quick and productive connections is essential and especially important with young ones who have very short attention spans! 

 

• Be sincere: - Overly sweet or syrupy delivery of your words can lead to auditory burnout in your efforts to build a positive relationship with your child.  That’s a fancy way of saying that even praise can come across like the adult voices in the “Peanuts” cartoons—think “Wah, wah, wah, wah”— if we treat every point of praise with the same with generic approach.  Instead, express genuine joy in a way that fits the nature of the situation so that your children experience a difference in dynamics from you that is in keeping with the circumstance and the significance of the appreciated behavior or attitude.  As a Christian, we also try to tie what we see in their outward "fruit" to the inward principles of God's Word.

 

• Be strategic: - Life isn’t always rosy, so be sure to make similar efforts to observe meaningful and important moments to correct behavior as well.  Without crushing their spirit, choose your battles carefully, and help them to see that there may be a better way to handle the situation in question.  Is it an issue of quality?  Do they struggle with timelines?  Are they not showing proper respect?  Whatever the principle-at-risk is in the moment, make sure they know what needs to change and why.  Carefully select what you are going to focus on for the “1” in your 6:1 ratio, and help them take steps together to intentionally address it.

 

• Be balanced: - Make sure that your communications and ratios are balanced among your children so that you avoid the labeling syndrome of either “golden child” or “problem child”.  Such characterizations can lead to sibling relationship issues that overshadow the point of even making positive or critical comments.  Remember the account of Jacob from the book of Genesis when Joseph was a youth?  While the brothers did behave poorly, Jacob didn’t help by showing such overt favoritism to Joseph, who already struggled with naivety and boastfulness.

Remember that in all areas of life, including our “Praise-to-Criticism Ratio”, we are modeling.  So, be intentional and improve your pattern.  If 6:1 is too dramatic of an initial shift, start with at least 2:1 or 3:1.  Ask yourself how you would eventually counsel your adult children on this issue within their own home.  If you would guide them to fulfill this differently with your future grandchildren, make the changes now to send an even more powerful message.  As values are caught more than they are taught, taking actions to change now will mean more to your children than regretful advice that you may give to them later in life.  Stay intentional in your words so that the power of perspective works to both uplift and correct your child’s spirit for a lifetime and not just a moment.